How to improve communication
“We really need to work on our communication”, is one of the most common issues I hear as a therapist. On the surface, one might think that it is about listening harder, better, faster, or stronger. But, once you start to dive into these issues, it becomes clear that the problem in relationships is often not the absence of listening, it is the emotional disconnect when communicating. Don’t worry, it is a skill that can be learned with knowledge and practice.
Here are 3 effective tips that will help you learn ways to connect on a deeper level with your partner to improve your communication.
Do not try to fix their issues
This is such a common roadblock to connection. Your partner start to complain about that horrible boss, and your mind is already churning up a handful of good solutions to help improve their situation. And truly, you have really good solutions, though that is not what your partner is looking for. What your partner truly wants from you is some emotional validation about their experience of this situation. Essentially, they want to feel heard, understood and empathized with. Do you notice that when you offer your solution, your partner might respond with a “yeah, but…”? That is a dead giveaway that they are looking for emotional support. If they really wanted a solution, they will directly ask for advice. We do not need to fix everything.
Do not get caught up in the content
It's hard not to react swiftly to a snide remark questioning your impeccable taste in TV shows. While this can be harmless banter, there is a valuable skill in learning to look past the surface and understand where these comments come from. Otherwise, you might find yourself caught off guard and in the doghouse because you insisted that 'The Bachelor' was scripted. While it's natural to feel defensive in the face of criticism, it's essential to resist the urge to react impulsively. Instead, take a moment to withhold your initial reactions and seek to understand your partner's reality. Remember, there are always two sides to every story, and understanding your partner's perspective can shed light on their emotional needs and motivations behind their criticism. It's often not about 'The Bachelor' at all but rather an underlying emotional need seeking acknowledgment and connection. Seek to understand the source of their criticism with curiosity.
Do not offer the bright side
How frustrating is it when someone tries to cheer you up by pointing out the supposed silver lining? Picture this: you're having a terrible day at work and you just need to vent, but someone interjects with, "Well, at least you have a job." It's infuriating, isn't it? It feels like they're entirely unable or unwilling to hear your struggles. Even worse is when you express anxiety about a presentation, and your partner responds with, "Don't worry, I'm sure you did fine". While this might sound similar to Tip #1, this is not an attempt to fix an issue, it’s an attempt to fix an emotional state. This kind of response blocks genuine connection because it minimizes your feelings, denies the seriousness of a situation or dismiss your strong emotions. By offering the bright side in order to help someone feel better, you’re not only communicating that you truly don’t understand what they are going through, but it is commonly an avoidance strategy of something you find uncomfortable. True connection with your partner means sitting with them in the fullness of their uncomfortable emotions. You do not need to fix them, rather you just need to be with them.
To summarize, good communication isn't just about hearing each other out or fixing problems. It's about truly understanding and supporting each other, even when it's tough. By showing empathy, avoiding judgment, and aiming for deeper connection, couples can build stronger relationships.
It's okay to make mistakes — seriously. No one is aiming for perfection here, but rather a consistent and intentional effort while being open to learning and improving together will lead to a fulfilling relationship. So, next time things get tough, take a moment to remember these tips and approach the situation with kindness and understanding. Your relationship will benefit from it.